| Tip | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Type | Name | Description | Service Provider | Cost | Notes | ||
| General Info | Jane's Cancer Journey Blog | $0.00 | |||||
| Blog Entries | ||
|---|---|---|
| One of my heroes, Jane C, wrote this blog called Cancer is Not a Journey. It is perfect. Quote:\n Cancer is not a journey. Stop with the meaningless platitudes.\n\n Cancer is a kidnapping. A hijacking. You’re going along, living your life and BAM. A bag gets thrown over your head and you are captured and you don’t know where the hell you are going. Thoughts shared with Jane, July 11:\n I rankle at people calling cancer a \"journey\" as well, but I don't\nthink it bothers me as much as it bothers some folks. Other things\nbother me more (for example, \"you've got this\" makes me want to\nscream). The only reason why I've called it a \"journey\" on my blog is\nbecause the blog is on the website that I normally use to plan and\ndocument my travels... you know... like actual journeys. :)\n\n I'm terrified that I will end up with heart issues. Lung issues.\nCognitive issues. Diabetes (which I've been so successfully fighting\noff for the last two years). These are all things that can happen\nfrom my chemo, and from the Herceptin. Something like 25% of women\nwho get Herceptin end up with heart issues. I feel very much like the\nlast few strong, healthy years of my life have been stolen from me. I\ncould already feel my strength and vitality draining off, and was\nmaking plans for \"one last\" European cycle tour when this happened,\nand I just don't know if I'm going to have even one more left in me\nnow. I'm so angry. I also have hand tremors and muscle twitches. It\ncould just be essential tremor, and chemo side effects, or it could be\nParkinsons, MS or ALS.\n\n I don't think I'm as much of a fighter as you are. I know that if I\nhave some kind of cognitive or degenerative disease I'll immediately\nstart looking into doctor-assisted suicide. Brent and I are from very\ndifferent camps that way. I demand quality from my life, where he\nvalues quantity as much, or more than, quality. I have a few things\nthat I'd want to make sure I have settled, but I would be ready to go\nif my only option was severe decline.\n\n You say you're stunned by my openness. I guess there are a couple of\nthings behind that. First of all, I am not afraid of losing anything.\nIf I lose friends (or acquaintances) because of it, then they're not\nones I want anyway. Also, I think my experience can help others\nlearn. We don't help each other learn and grow if everyone is keeping\ntheir hard experiences tight to the chest. Several people have\nmentioned to me that I've helped them learn, not only how to deal with\nme, but how to deal with their other people who are going through\nsomething hard. I like to feel useful, and helping people learn makes\nme feel useful.\n\n Thoughts shared with Jane, July 12:\n I don't think it's weird at all to get hypnotized for chemo. It's a\ntruma - physically and mentally. Whatever we can do for ourselves to\ncope is a good thing. I personally use humor (you're probably\nbeginning to suspect). I've ordered a couple of really colorful wigs,\nwhich should be here before my next infusion. One of them is long and\npurple, and I'll be wearing it enroute, but once I get there, the IV\nstand will be wearing it and her name will be Lucy (short for\nLucifer).\n\n Yes, I think it's important to have someone to say the hard shit to\nthat isn't necessarily a loved one. So far my hard-shit-person has\nbeen an internet rando from California. She also has HER2+ breast\ncancer. She got it at the same time as her wife got a different\ncancer a few years ago. Her wife has since passed of it. Internet\nRando Barbara and I have a lot in common and I vent to her fairly\nfrequently. I hope you don't mind if I also start venting to you -\nyou're one of the few people who I think really gets it.\n\n \nI like the scar tattoos on other people, but yeah, it's not for me\neither. Although I have no qualms about sticking random things on my\nchest. I actually love (like LOVE) being a flattie. I expected to\nfind a lot of relief in it but it's more than that. I LOVE it.\n\n That sucks so bad about your heart problems, and your resignation that\nyou probably won't do any more mountain hiking. I haven't done much\nhiking in the last few years just because my favorite stomping grounds\nhave become so overcrowded and hassle-full, but I don't want to just\nlose the option of going if I decide to. I'm spoiled - I get that.\nVery privileged with the life I've had, and what I will still have to\nsome degree, after this. Knowing how privileged I am doesn't stop me\nbeing angry.\n\n Honestly I would like to know what caused this to happen to me. I'm\nsure there were dozens of \"risk factors\", starting with never having\nbeen pregnant, alcohol consumption, and living in a\npolluting province in a polluted time. But the problem is, when it\ncomes to the individual, there's no way to know, and ascribing blame,\nespecially to SOMEONE ELSE'S cancer is just counter-productive (and a\nreal asshole move if you're blaming the person for getting cancer).\n\n Unless we had a \"control Rhonda\" who split off the day I started\ngetting chemo, there's no real way to find out how much of what I'm\nexperiencing is due to the chemo. But my hand tremors started during\nthe pandemic and got noticeably worse over the last several months\nleading up to chemo. They have taken another giant leap forward in\nseverity, and now I have the big muscle twitches. Maybe they'll clear\nup when I'm done chemo, and maybe they won't - all I can do is wait\nand see. I'm terrified\nthat I may end up with dementia. I'm doing what I can to prepare -\nmaking sure Brent knows where all the bodies are buried, for example.\n\n I thought I might get involved in some in-person support groups, but\nI've thought better of it. I have online support groups, including my\namazing FB people. I get very triggered by people \"coming at me\" with\ntheir religious (and woo) b.s., and if I go to an in-person support\ngroup I think I wouldn't be able to avoid that like I can online. I\nhad EMDR several years ago and it worked great. Then my therapist\nstopped doing it and I just haven't found anything I like as well. If\nI really need something, though, I will 100% seek out EMDR again.\n\n Facebook Post: I find my boobless chest wonderful and fascinating. I love how i look in a t-shirt and I love how it all feels. I do not miss my boobs AT ALL. I didn’t expect to really miss them but to be this satisfied and gleeful with this version of me is more than I hoped for. It’s almost like a couple of unwelcome aliens are finally gone off of me. | ||